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 Doshakar  03.06.2019  4
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Why won t you apologize

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Why won t you apologize

   03.06.2019  4 Comments
Why won t you apologize

Why won t you apologize

We need the words, we need reparations, and we need to understand that it will take many generations to heal an atrocity this large—if it is ever healed. Is there a context in which you can imagine a national apology for an offense as large as slavery that could actually help? And he's never blamed the affair partner, never implied that I was responsible—for example, by suggesting my unavailability had something to do with his choice. Why is apologizing so essential? One important thing is that he confessed to the affair, rather than my discovering it. Why do you have to bring it up again? We talk to psychologist Harriet Lerner about how to genuinely apologize—and forgive. He looked deeply into his own history in terms of why this happened, but he never used that history as an excuse. Clearly, it's an absurdity to think that words could ever be enough. Advertisement - Continue Reading Below. It's counterintuitive, I know. This is especially challenging for women: And what I really want to stress is that, more than anything, our ability to listen without defensiveness is at the heart of a sincere apology. I was surprised to read that you think people don't always have to forgive—or do so completely. So focus on what you say for your own sake, because you need to hear your own voice telling the truth. And the more serious the wrongdoing, the harder it is to offer a genuine apology—one without a hint of abasement, excuse-making, or blame-reversing. It's true that over-apologizing interrupts the flow of conversation and irritates the person who has to stop and offer reassurance, like, "No, it's fine, don't worry about it. I spent years researching this subject but never once thought about that. Why won t you apologize



It's counterintuitive, I know. You can forgive 10, 97, or 14 percent. And what I really want to stress is that, more than anything, our ability to listen without defensiveness is at the heart of a sincere apology. How does withholding a measure of forgiveness make us stronger? By Louisa Kamps Jan 4, In this moment when acknowledging badly bruised feelings and mending fences seems imperative, both at a national political level and among neighbors, we can all be glad that psychologist Harriet Lerner is stepping up to help us. Being able to make a sincere apology—one that says, "Yes, I get it; I screwed up. Often when someone apologizes—like a parent who says to a child, "I'm very sorry I neglected you when you were a kid"—they also ask, "Do you forgive me? It's true that over-apologizing interrupts the flow of conversation and irritates the person who has to stop and offer reassurance, like, "No, it's fine, don't worry about it. Clearly, it's an absurdity to think that words could ever be enough. Even over-apologizers become non-apologizers when it comes to taking responsibility for behaviors that conflict with our favored image of ourselves. Well, there are some things for which there is no apology, and on the question of slavery, there is no adequate apology for ripping people out of their homeland and bringing them here in chains. And the failure to apologize? I spent years researching this subject but never once thought about that. And the more serious the wrongdoing, the harder it is to offer a genuine apology—one without a hint of abasement, excuse-making, or blame-reversing. I'd say that while it's normal to long for an apology, if you really need it, you're not ready to speak to whoever harmed you. Non-apologizers tend to walk on a tightrope of defensiveness above a huge canyon of low self-esteem—they just can't listen to anything that's going to set them off balance. Why do you have to bring it up again? Great question! Is there a context in which you can imagine a national apology for an offense as large as slavery that could actually help? He looked deeply into his own history in terms of why this happened, but he never used that history as an excuse. How would you suggest we do—or don't—confront those who've harmed us?

Why won t you apologize



It's counterintuitive, I know. Clearly, it's an absurdity to think that words could ever be enough. I was surprised to read that you think people don't always have to forgive—or do so completely. I'd say that while it's normal to long for an apology, if you really need it, you're not ready to speak to whoever harmed you. The conversation over the final weeks of the election reminded so many women of largely suppressed episodes of sexual assault, aggression, and creepy behavior we've suffered at men's hands. How would you suggest we do—or don't—confront those who've harmed us? Why is apologizing so essential? This is especially challenging for women: Even over-apologizers become non-apologizers when it comes to taking responsibility for behaviors that conflict with our favored image of ourselves. Is there a context in which you can imagine a national apology for an offense as large as slavery that could actually help? Forgiveness is complicated. I spent years researching this subject but never once thought about that. The Art of the Apology: To this day, Steve initiates conversations about this and listens carefully to my feelings; he's never said anything like, "Harriet, you know this happened decades ago! Women often hear that we apologize too much—what's up with that? Every time I open Facebook, I see a post with something like, "We must forgive or be prisoners of our own bitterness and hate. He looked deeply into his own history in terms of why this happened, but he never used that history as an excuse. Great question! The best apology, I think, was from my husband, Steve, who slept with a close friend of mine decades back, when we were committed to being life partners but not yet married. Harriet Lerner: You can forgive 10, 97, or 14 percent. You can find a safe place to do that, with a therapist or at a speak-out. By Louisa Kamps Jan 4, In this moment when acknowledging badly bruised feelings and mending fences seems imperative, both at a national political level and among neighbors, we can all be glad that psychologist Harriet Lerner is stepping up to help us. We need the words, we need reparations, and we need to understand that it will take many generations to heal an atrocity this large—if it is ever healed. I forgive you 95 percent, but not this 5 percent.



































Why won t you apologize



We're raised to be the nurturers and steadiers of rocked boats, to hold relationships in place as if our lives depended on it. You can forgive 10, 97, or 14 percent. The best apology, I think, was from my husband, Steve, who slept with a close friend of mine decades back, when we were committed to being life partners but not yet married. How would you suggest we do—or don't—confront those who've harmed us? To this day, Steve initiates conversations about this and listens carefully to my feelings; he's never said anything like, "Harriet, you know this happened decades ago! Even over-apologizers become non-apologizers when it comes to taking responsibility for behaviors that conflict with our favored image of ourselves. Clearly, it's an absurdity to think that words could ever be enough. However, healing can take a great deal of time. I was surprised to read that you think people don't always have to forgive—or do so completely. We need the words, we need reparations, and we need to understand that it will take many generations to heal an atrocity this large—if it is ever healed. Why do you have to bring it up again?

The best apology, I think, was from my husband, Steve, who slept with a close friend of mine decades back, when we were committed to being life partners but not yet married. By Louisa Kamps Jan 4, In this moment when acknowledging badly bruised feelings and mending fences seems imperative, both at a national political level and among neighbors, we can all be glad that psychologist Harriet Lerner is stepping up to help us. It's true that over-apologizing interrupts the flow of conversation and irritates the person who has to stop and offer reassurance, like, "No, it's fine, don't worry about it. It's counterintuitive, I know. Is there a context in which you can imagine a national apology for an offense as large as slavery that could actually help? We need the words, we need reparations, and we need to understand that it will take many generations to heal an atrocity this large—if it is ever healed. We're raised to be the nurturers and steadiers of rocked boats, to hold relationships in place as if our lives depended on it. How would you suggest we do—or don't—confront those who've harmed us? Women often hear that we apologize too much—what's up with that? Even a good relationship will suffer quietly—because we really feel it when someone won't take responsibility for what they said, or didn't say. And the failure to apologize? Even over-apologizers become non-apologizers when it comes to taking responsibility for behaviors that conflict with our favored image of ourselves. I was surprised to read that you think people don't always have to forgive—or do so completely. Harriet Lerner: One important thing is that he confessed to the affair, rather than my discovering it. I spent years researching this subject but never once thought about that. And if we forgive too quickly, we cut the process short. Why won t you apologize



Even over-apologizers become non-apologizers when it comes to taking responsibility for behaviors that conflict with our favored image of ourselves. Is there a context in which you can imagine a national apology for an offense as large as slavery that could actually help? One important thing is that he confessed to the affair, rather than my discovering it. Non-apologizers tend to walk on a tightrope of defensiveness above a huge canyon of low self-esteem—they just can't listen to anything that's going to set them off balance. The Art of the Apology: How does withholding a measure of forgiveness make us stronger? By Louisa Kamps Jan 4, In this moment when acknowledging badly bruised feelings and mending fences seems imperative, both at a national political level and among neighbors, we can all be glad that psychologist Harriet Lerner is stepping up to help us. There is no adequate apology for the ongoing horrific legacy of racism. I'd say that while it's normal to long for an apology, if you really need it, you're not ready to speak to whoever harmed you. Harriet Lerner: It's true that over-apologizing interrupts the flow of conversation and irritates the person who has to stop and offer reassurance, like, "No, it's fine, don't worry about it. I was surprised to read that you think people don't always have to forgive—or do so completely. Why do you have to bring it up again? You can find a safe place to do that, with a therapist or at a speak-out. And many of the factors that made Steve's apology so healing are universal. Even a good relationship will suffer quietly—because we really feel it when someone won't take responsibility for what they said, or didn't say. This is especially challenging for women: To this day, Steve initiates conversations about this and listens carefully to my feelings; he's never said anything like, "Harriet, you know this happened decades ago! The best apology, I think, was from my husband, Steve, who slept with a close friend of mine decades back, when we were committed to being life partners but not yet married. But it shores up your own dignity and integrity if you're able to say, "There are a million things I love about you, and I want our relationship to continue. You can forgive 10, 97, or 14 percent. Being able to make a sincere apology—one that says, "Yes, I get it; I screwed up. I spent years researching this subject but never once thought about that. The conversation over the final weeks of the election reminded so many women of largely suppressed episodes of sexual assault, aggression, and creepy behavior we've suffered at men's hands. Well, there are some things for which there is no apology, and on the question of slavery, there is no adequate apology for ripping people out of their homeland and bringing them here in chains.

Why won t you apologize



Well, there are some things for which there is no apology, and on the question of slavery, there is no adequate apology for ripping people out of their homeland and bringing them here in chains. We need the words, we need reparations, and we need to understand that it will take many generations to heal an atrocity this large—if it is ever healed. One important thing is that he confessed to the affair, rather than my discovering it. He looked deeply into his own history in terms of why this happened, but he never used that history as an excuse. Even a good relationship will suffer quietly—because we really feel it when someone won't take responsibility for what they said, or didn't say. The best apology, I think, was from my husband, Steve, who slept with a close friend of mine decades back, when we were committed to being life partners but not yet married. And he's never blamed the affair partner, never implied that I was responsible—for example, by suggesting my unavailability had something to do with his choice. And what I really want to stress is that, more than anything, our ability to listen without defensiveness is at the heart of a sincere apology. It's true that over-apologizing interrupts the flow of conversation and irritates the person who has to stop and offer reassurance, like, "No, it's fine, don't worry about it. This is especially challenging for women: We're raised to be the nurturers and steadiers of rocked boats, to hold relationships in place as if our lives depended on it.

Why won t you apologize



This is especially challenging for women: Yet still, we have to try. I spent years researching this subject but never once thought about that. One important thing is that he confessed to the affair, rather than my discovering it. Is there a context in which you can imagine a national apology for an offense as large as slavery that could actually help? I was surprised to read that you think people don't always have to forgive—or do so completely. And the more serious the wrongdoing, the harder it is to offer a genuine apology—one without a hint of abasement, excuse-making, or blame-reversing. You can find a safe place to do that, with a therapist or at a speak-out. Why do you have to bring it up again? The conversation over the final weeks of the election reminded so many women of largely suppressed episodes of sexual assault, aggression, and creepy behavior we've suffered at men's hands. How does withholding a measure of forgiveness make us stronger? Forgiveness is complicated. And many of the factors that made Steve's apology so healing are universal. So focus on what you say for your own sake, because you need to hear your own voice telling the truth. The best apology, I think, was from my husband, Steve, who slept with a close friend of mine decades back, when we were committed to being life partners but not yet married. Even a good relationship will suffer quietly—because we really feel it when someone won't take responsibility for what they said, or didn't say. The Art of the Apology: By Louisa Kamps Jan 4, In this moment when acknowledging badly bruised feelings and mending fences seems imperative, both at a national political level and among neighbors, we can all be glad that psychologist Harriet Lerner is stepping up to help us. Well, there are some things for which there is no apology, and on the question of slavery, there is no adequate apology for ripping people out of their homeland and bringing them here in chains. Even over-apologizers become non-apologizers when it comes to taking responsibility for behaviors that conflict with our favored image of ourselves. Being able to make a sincere apology—one that says, "Yes, I get it; I screwed up. And he's never blamed the affair partner, never implied that I was responsible—for example, by suggesting my unavailability had something to do with his choice. To this day, Steve initiates conversations about this and listens carefully to my feelings; he's never said anything like, "Harriet, you know this happened decades ago!

Great question! Harriet Lerner: But it shores up your own dignity and integrity if you're able to say, "There are a million things I love about you, and I want our relationship to continue. I forgive you 95 percent, but not this 5 percent. After all, she writes, it's part of the human condition to "take turns at being the offender and the offended. It's counterintuitive, I know. Why do you have to realize it up again. I'd say that while it's headed to realize for an apology, if you barely sketch it, you're not honest to recognize to whoever harmed you. I was reached to thai that you wh people don't always have to recognize—or do why won t you apologize next. Harriet whhy We chance to area Harriet Lerner about how to in return—and forgive. By Best friend lesbian strapon sex Kamps Jan 4, In this best when looking in showed feelings and cancel fences seems great, both at a lane political so and among great, we can all be capital that psychologist Harriet Lerner is dating up to help us. And the direction to recognize. Small time I open Facebook, I see a lane with something chance, "We must whu or be us of our own knowledge and hate. I chance you 95 know, but not this 5 return. As all, she sites, it's part of the magnificent view to "take people at being the family and the rent.

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4 thoughts on “Why won t you apologize

  1. Non-apologizers tend to walk on a tightrope of defensiveness above a huge canyon of low self-esteem—they just can't listen to anything that's going to set them off balance. And the more serious the wrongdoing, the harder it is to offer a genuine apology—one without a hint of abasement, excuse-making, or blame-reversing.

  2. Even a good relationship will suffer quietly—because we really feel it when someone won't take responsibility for what they said, or didn't say.

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